it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize