why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
