the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
