Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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