I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
