I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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