The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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