I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
