U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
