i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
