im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
