she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
