I met the friendliest cop last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
