I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
