The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
