omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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