I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
