you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
