It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
