btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
