my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Randomize
