I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
