Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
