3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
