my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
