so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
