I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
