I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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