i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
