i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i already hear my dad disowning me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
