Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
