sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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