her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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