i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
