you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
