Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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