Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
