i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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