ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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