My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
im holly from the hills drunk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
