theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
