I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
