They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
