Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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