I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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