Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
