It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
