i think my mom watched the whole time
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
