Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
