Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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